When Memories Fade, Spirit Remains

My Nana, age 93, has vascular dementia, something I wouldn't wish on my worst of enemies, such a cruel syndrome which ravages even the sharpest mind. She was a teacher, many, many years ago and I have heard from people myself, who still remember 'Mrs. Beattie who taught at Bentinck Primary school'. It has been with a heavy heart that I have seen her deteriorate so rapidly over the past few years to the point she has lost almost all her independence.

I remember the first time she looked at me with that dull, blank expression, her eyes becoming heavy and confused and she asked, 'but... who are you?' A truly heart-breaking moment when the woman who practically raised you (my parents worked a lot) doesn't recognise you anymore. How horrible it felt knowing that the disease was winning. When you look at someone you love and they don't know who you are, there's not really any way to put into words how that really feels. I remember that moment. I remember keeping calm after it happened, it wasn't her fault after all. And I remember buying a packet of cigarettes on the way home, I went to the wall behind my flat and I sat and smoked. And I listened to music. I felt the lump build in the back of my throat, the stinging in the corner of my eyes but I managed to keep back the tears until 'In the Ghetto' by Elvis came on. I don't know why that song was the one that finally allowed the tears to come, but it was. And it is a song I now forever associate with that moment. Funny how music does that, isn’t it?

It had been a long while, since I cried (there was one incident when I watched ‘The Fox and the Hound’ while hungover but we'll not get into that...) I remember sitting there, hoping that no one would come around that corner and see me. I sat there for a long time, I let it all out in that moment there on that wall, it sounds silly, I know, but sometimes, when everything hits you at once, you have to let it out or it will consume you.

While this abhorrent disease is upsetting for any family to go through, my Nana has almost always remained happy. I remember one day, she sat down and stared ahead, sitting silently for a few moments, staring into thin air, as people with dementia often do and she turned to me and she said, 'I know I'm not going to be here much longer, but it's okay, I had a good life. I'm happy.' And I realised that's the most important thing, no matter how bad things are getting, how difficult it is for us as a family to watch, knowing that she is happy, is at least, a comforting thought as I have seen worse cases of dementia, where frustration and anxiety overwhelm the sufferer.

Here's a recent photo of my Nana enjoying some of the Easter Activites the care home provided. Look at that cheeky smile and how happy she looks!

I remember years ago, when I must have been around 17 or 18, and out at the pub for the first time, it was Winter and it was cold and it was wet, I called my Nana and asked if I could stay there the night as it was close to pub, which of course, was fine. I remember as my friend and I stumbled in drunk on that freezing cold night, we saw the beds had been prepared. And there were hot water bottles in each of them! Not only that, there was a huge pile of biscuits and cups of tea waiting for us. It was a small gesture but sometimes a small gesture goes a long way. The memory of which still makes me smile to this day.

There was a time, before she got too bad, where our dog was ill, and my Nana, God bless her, made a cup of tea for the dog, obviously she didn't understand what was happening but, that was always her solution when someone was sick, to have a cup of tea and relax. And this bizarre act of kindness, seeing that tiny flash of the person she used to be, was incredible to me, because although making a cup of tea for a dog makes no sense whatsoever, the sentiment behind it still remained the same.

This photo was taken on her birthday, I'm pretty sure this photo was taken just after the cake was brought out.

She kept the family together, until she was no longer able, she hosted the family dinner at Chirstmas, the New Year’s Day lunch and general get-togethers. Catering for maybe 12 people or so with almost no help (she wouldn’t accept it). Sadly, ever since she went into a home, family get-togethers are rare, I see my immediate family, but she was the one who brought everyone together, who made the effort and ensured that she kept in touch with everyone, a trait, which I must admit, has sadly not been passed down to me.

I do also have to give a shout out to the care home and all the incredible staff who do such a great job taking care of not only my Nana but all the residents, it is a job I think which is greatly underappreciated so to any nursing staff out there who may be reading this, I thank you for doing such an amazing job and taking care of so many people.

This is one of my favourite photos here, to me, it's all perfect: the costume, the toothless grin, the warmth and happiness still radiating from those watery eyes

I still find it incredibly difficult to visit her and even though the disease has now taken away her independence (she doesn't recognise any family members now) when I do visit my Nana I try not to focus too much on these latter years where the dementia has now taken over. Where she is a shell of her former self. I think of the incredible woman who looked after not only myself but more or less the entire family, who, well into her seventies, would still clamber onto the roof to fix a broken slate, a woman who baked the best damn scones I’ve ever eaten! Who taught me importance of family and that caring, kindness and generosity go a long way. And I remember that although this is a terrible illness for any individual, for any family, to go through, that the important thing is this: my Nana, that incredible person, is still happy. Memories may fade, but spirit lasts forever.

This is the most recent photo of my sister and I visiting Nana. As you can see, she's still smiling. I think she's just proud of the fact she still has one tooth left!

If you're worried about dementia and it affecting someone in your family, there are loads of websites out there with information to help you. Here are a few:

http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/dementia-guide/pages/about-dementia.aspx

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk

https://www.dementiauk.org